Written by Kevin Wee
Hodor. Hodor hodor hodor. Hodor? HODOR?!
The recent release of the Game of Thrones Season 5 trailer has stirred up the masses. Intrigue? Check. Littlefinger conspiratorially whispering? Check. Tyrion Lannister in trouble? Check. The trailer accomplished its mission by creating huge anticipation for the 04.12.15 premiere.
But as a negative side effect, it also created a Mountain sized Game of Thrones hole in my life that I need to keep filled until April, and after minutes of consideration I figured the best way to do this was to incorporate aspects of Game of Thrones in my life until the premiere.
Because I am at work and have to deal with useless middle managers roaming the cubicles, I am going to write this so it appears to be a work related report. I will be doing things likebolding words that sound professional, but are actually related to my groundbreaking ideas.
I may also use the following:
• Bullet Points
• Professional looking diagrams (after the break)
i. a simple outline format
ii. This should also help you, the reader, disguise your true activities while drinking your morning coffee
I. Internal Redistribution of a Controlled Resource
Aka seizing the Iron Throne. There is a lone fully operational ergonometric office chair coveted by myself and my fellow coworkers. It is the Iron Throne of my office, currently occupied by “Toby” House Annoying. “Toby” is not his real name, but he is quite annoying, obviously.
“Toby” seized control of the Iron Throne from “Sheryl” House Halitosis. “Sheryl” was banished to the Wall, aka the fourth floor, because of an unfortunate incident at the recent office holiday party. “Toby” used insider information that he had garnered from “Jeff” House HR, and led a raiding party that managed to capture the majority of her cubicle’s resources. Luckily, I have figure out a way to dispose of this treacherous twat.
“Toby” stupidly sent an email to a group of coworkers, myself included, that contained a joke clearly in violation of the company HR policy(2). I can accidentally forward that email to the entire company and then claim I meant to delete it because I found it offensive, but the trackpad on my laptop had an unfortunate malfunction.
This infraction would be “Toby’s” third and he would be up for a disciplinary hearing, which will likely lead to his termination. During the chaos caused by his execution, I will sneak into his cubicle and swap chairs. I also plan on claiming his wireless mouse.
Beware “Toby”, heavy is the head that wears the crown(3). For visual representation of this endeavor please consult the flowchart below. I can already feel the lumbar support.
II. Attempted Managed Release of Reproduction Catalyst
Whorehouses. Brothels are a prevalent setting for much of the politicking and back room deals on the show, so it seems natural to make that experience a part of my plan as well, but these types of establishments in reality are disgusting. Have you ever watched the reality show about the prostitutes on the HBO Go account you’re borrowing from your friend? Its not pretty. I’ve determined that the closest activity to visiting a brothel is frequenting a few of the gentleman’s establishments in Las Vegas. This will be a fantastic way to pass a few weekends, up until the point when I become more bankrupt than the Lannisters after a wedding.
III. Defense Initiation
Sword Fighting. The Ned Stark vs. the Kingslayer sword fight in Season 1 was one of the better action set-pieces of the entire series, because everyone can agree that sword fighting is cool. I fondly reminisce about the days when the discarded wrapping paper cardboard tubes became dragon slaying, axe parrying, forces of nature. In fact it was only recently that I vanquished three imaginary sellswords in my apartment once I had finished wrapping up my family’s Christmas presents. Sadly a half filled bottle of Miller Lite that got in the way of a vicious overhand slash and was lost forever.
Between now and 04.12.15, I promise to become a master of medieval swordplay. A quick online search for classes revealed minimal results, except for this amazing step-by-step tutorial on WikiHow. The Internet will be my Syrio Forel. Beware House Frey, for all men must die.
With the help of my master swordsman instructor, I can also begin looking online for an overpriced replica Oathkeeper. I estimate the search taking as long as two months to complete as I compare the inventories across the multitude of reputable online establishments.
In other words, part III of my master plan has become another excuse to buy more nerd paraphernalia to clutter my apartment. Speaking of which, does anyone want to buy a Sandman Death action figure from the 2013 San Diego Comic Con? I’ll sell it cheap.
This is my path, my ladder to climb. I highly recommend finding your own way to pass these next few weeks. I will pray to the seven gods on your behalf for a safe and prosperous journey. It is known.
1. Seriously, how genius is this formatting. Every article on Buzzfeed should follow this format — pronto.
2. The joke was about a bear, a priest, and a pickle.
3. I wouldn’t really try to get anyone fired, but “Toby” definitely deserves it. Ok maybe I will try to get him fired. Serves him right. The joke wasn’t that funny to begin with.
4. Bastard children are usually provided with surnames that indicates the region in which they were born. This is explained in the A Song of Ice and Fire books, which is the series’ true name. I would have explained that in the above report but some of the television show’s viewing audience feel the book readers are condescending and I want to avoid offending anyone too dumb to read the books.