Help Wanted! I Found a Treasure Map To The Kid Centric 80's Movie of My Dreams!

Illustrations by Valentino Valdez

Written by Kevin Wee

I found something, and I think it will lead to untold riches people have been pursuing for years. Many claim to have found this treasure, but in reality they were trying to pass off a bag of sand as a golden idol.

While at a garage sale, I dropped an elaborate wooden chest, and this scroll popped out of a hidden compartment. It was wrapped around a broken gold medallion, but I threw that away because broken medallions are cliche.

The scroll is titled ‘’The Great Kids Adventure Cinematic Experience” and what follows appear to be instructions or guidelines of some sort:

Does thou long for a nostalgic yarn containing action, comedy, adventure, and heart? Then gather the following, but beware, one misstep will result in CERTAIN DEATH (or a lot of wasted time, in the very least).

An exciting parable.

Failure awaits the fool who attempts to stray from the tried and true. A fresh, new spin on an old favorite leads to what you seek. Mention not the struggles of a kid from the garbage pail.

Take heed to ensure the following is included in this parable:

a.) An Eclectic Mix of Heroes

Diversity is the key. Heroes be not spoiled brats with silver spooned mouths, but relatable neighborhood youngsters from the sandlot (but burn that freaking hat before you come on this adventure). Take care to ensure these valiant heroes are portrayed by master adolescent thespians. Avoid bratty pod racers with a high midi-chlorian count.

b.) Believable Dialogue

Our heroes must speak using identical vernacular to that of the current youth. A conversation spoken between children in the same manner of Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon would never take place, penis breath.

c.) A Strange Setting

One does not find adventure with their posterior affixed to a couch, iPad in hand. True adventure happens in places such as a certain Never Never Land, or a labyrinth filled with goblins and a bulging codpiece.

d.) Minimal Resources

This strange setting will have no connection to tubes of the Internet. True heroes do not solve problems with the Google, but with imagination, ingenuity, and teamwork. Booty traps (that’s what I said, booty traps!) are recommended, but not mandatory.

e.) An Evil Villain

Fewer frighten more than Kiefer Sutherland with a switchblade and a bad dye job. A sense of danger must exist for the adventure to be exciting. Mr. Johnson in a Frankenstein mask chasing meddling kids will not suffice.

2. Practical Effects

Forbidden is the use of excessive false imagery from a computer. Much like the makeup of a maiden, CGI should enhance, not cover up or distract, lest you end up with a babbling infant wandering the city, or an angry Tyrannosaurus Rex in the center of the Earth.

3. An Overabundance of Fun

A group of friends on an adventure is never dull. You would do well to remember this.

The scroll concludes with:

“Once gathered, combine for Amazing.”

Can someone, anyone, help me gather and combine all the items on this list, because the world needs Amazing.

Payment will be decided upon once we figure out how much our creation is worth. I guarantee it would be worth almost as much as a Zoltar the Fortune Teller machine, but not quite as much as a David statue with its genitals reattached the wrong way.